Sofa King We Tod Ed

and in the end
the love you make
is equal to the love
you take

strange being here, Lancaster
I am tired and feel like I can sleep for days. it took all I had to drive down.. I was fearful and anxious and didnt want to leave my own little world. my security.
my HOME
now, in the "womb" I am relaxed, family saving me.. felt like I was drowning.
Something made me want to come here

Drove all around the town, things grow and change but there is a lot that stays the same...
including the little rumble this afternoon..
The Tipsy Bull is still there, almost wanted a cocktail,
drove by several places we used to party... depending on my mood, I may go to The Castle tomorrow.
The Castle
the bridge
things that are home... there is snow all around the valley. and its going to be in the 20s tonight.
wish he was here so I could show him... things change, but a lot stays the same

this is the worst week now, every year since then. I try hard not to think about it.. take down all the Christmas shit and drink coffee... but there it is. looming.. in the corner of my mind. I still have yet to figure out WHY I allow it to be a monster. why I feel such an obligation to other people regarding it. UGH. I can still feel his kisses, hear his laugh and remember what it was like when he held me, and it makes me sick to my stomach how much I miss him and I get angry at myself that I dont just embrace it... like I am going to hurt Steven because I mourn. He wants me to just accept it..let it go through me.. but I fight it. Come on... it's just another week in your life, Dave wouldnt want me to allow it to fucking consume me. There is way too much to deal with other than this monster... new job, new life, possibility of moving in 6-9 months... the future. What Dave wanted you to have. remember what he said when you finished culinary school? you can take care of yourself. you are responsible for YOU... and that is the only thing you need to worry about...
Ok, so I sit here and give myself a stupid ass pep talk and suck it up... this place is a mess and you need to finish what you were doing...

My baby's tied to a chair...
Doenst she look pretty just sittin there...