Sunday, December 26, 2004
feel like I could vomit..
being downsized sucks.. looking to swim, but feel like I am sinking
have irons in the fire, but still there is no life preserver. gonna be home a lot more.
wish I could do something about it..but I am working on it..doing what I can.
being downsized sucks.. looking to swim, but feel like I am sinking
have irons in the fire, but still there is no life preserver. gonna be home a lot more.
wish I could do something about it..but I am working on it..doing what I can.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
so, I changed my last name, officially back to the original.
How do I tell the former inlaws? How do I tell my father in law that his son and I argued about me taking the name to begin with? How do I say my name sounds really bitchen with "chef" in front of it?
2 years and I still feel like I am drowning sometimes, not like before.
Not to mention the 12-13 hours days of work. It will be over soon... then the slow season, then the insanity of the wedding season. I can do this. I am going to do this, I can't say no.
then they put that man to death based on circumstantial evidence. fucked up shit. man.
How do I tell the former inlaws? How do I tell my father in law that his son and I argued about me taking the name to begin with? How do I say my name sounds really bitchen with "chef" in front of it?
2 years and I still feel like I am drowning sometimes, not like before.
Not to mention the 12-13 hours days of work. It will be over soon... then the slow season, then the insanity of the wedding season. I can do this. I am going to do this, I can't say no.
then they put that man to death based on circumstantial evidence. fucked up shit. man.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
body grows cold with the hours I keep... And I wanted this career why again? getting home and taking a hit and collasping into fuzzy sheets... I love it I do, it just makes me tired... and I feel so old sometimes. I am no longer 20 something. the rain makes the drive worth it, although people keep hitting each other and slowing down traffic, then its the season too. Frustrated.
I cant get the stains off my hands. Portabella mushrooms and garlic. Always food. I guess I have an addiction that is legal.
Lying in bed thinking about shit. I dont hate my life its just so different from before...
BDD.. before Dave died.
I hate the holidays because of it. I hate the fact that his family has become estranged... not that I call either. It does go both ways. I cannot blame it all on myself, although there is a lot of gulit that I am still struggling with. Not so much drowning anymore... but healing I am actually healing! (Much rejoicing). Now, I have other personal projects to complete.. and other parasites to contend with... growth and strength.
then there is the other thing... too fucked up to get serious, and too codependent to walk away. (laugh).
I cant get the stains off my hands. Portabella mushrooms and garlic. Always food. I guess I have an addiction that is legal.
Lying in bed thinking about shit. I dont hate my life its just so different from before...
BDD.. before Dave died.
I hate the holidays because of it. I hate the fact that his family has become estranged... not that I call either. It does go both ways. I cannot blame it all on myself, although there is a lot of gulit that I am still struggling with. Not so much drowning anymore... but healing I am actually healing! (Much rejoicing). Now, I have other personal projects to complete.. and other parasites to contend with... growth and strength.
then there is the other thing... too fucked up to get serious, and too codependent to walk away. (laugh).
