Sofa King We Tod Ed

I am not used to the fact that everything is going well. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. How is my life going to fuck with me today? what could possibly go wrong? Is the anticipation of waiting for something to happen the root of all the problems to begin with? I am not used to things actually going well for me. I am confused and lost, this is all new to me. My relationship, my job, my friends, my financial situation....all good. maybe not messing with shit is the key? Just let it go and ride the wave, don't concentrate on it. Just take it as it comes? Nah...I am going to fuck it up somehow...just waiting, watching, and preparing myself for the worse. But then, what could be worse than the last year I faced? the last 2 years? Post tramatic stress syndrome. I think anyone who has gone through a loss like I did suffers from it. It fucked me up. There are things in my personality that have changed forever, making me a different, and somehow better person. But I am constantly questioning my validity as a person, still searching for acceptance. I miss David. I miss the unconditional love. I miss his advice, even though I did what I wanted anyhow. I miss his humor. I miss the person I was when I was with him....although, I do like the person I am becoming. He made me a better person. That is what being married is about. And even though he's gone, I am still the person he wanted, and would be proud of. Okay, I am resigning myself to acceptance of self. I will never be over his death, I will always miss him...and will I ever find someone, different but willing to accept me the way I am? Damaged? Bruised? Can I be loved again? I know I can love...just differently.