Sofa King We Tod Ed

Dont know sometimes if being my age yet feeling younger is a bad thing?
The mind sometimes fucks with you if you allow it...
Somehow those years were compressed and somehow I have regressed, yet I feel my age at the most inopportune moments.
And I have discovered at this moment...I am feeling my age, and very embarrassed for writing shit that really doesnt make any sense at all...walking the wall between...

hey...I just thought of something..."scooby...DOOBY"

Thanksgiving....bullshit.

Holidays suck. Burn the Christmas tree, Santa tied to it with a turkey under each arm...up in flames...
I think I am finally allowing the grief to happen. The crying has started to become more cleansing. I say I can't remember, but I do remember...I know about the stuff that no one was there for. I acknowledge the very intitmate moments of our realtionship.

Anxiety washes over me. I am a beached whale in the crevices in my mind.
Medication forced through my veins, clouding my mind, making the feelings subside
for the moment.
Everything in only a moment.
A life can end in a moment--or begin.
My life starting over...and over.
days go by and I can maintain control--loving someone else
for the moment,
having good days and making them matter
Sleep.

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. I have to work tomorrow and I am having trouble focusing. I am trying to remember being in love with him. Those moments where you are so wrapped up in each other that the outside world doesnt even exist. Usually at the beginning of a realtionship. I can't remember the feeling and it upsets me. There are times I can focus on being with my sister. It is almost like I was bored with him a lot. I remember the last time we were intimate, the touch of his hand, and his face and the smell of his body, our last real moment. But I want to recall the other times. Maybe I am obsessing, trying too hard? I want the memories of"us" to be the good ones. Sometimes I think I have made him out to be an asshole and he was far from that. He always used to say actions had a equal or greate reaction, and he reallylive by that. I also think about that fucking song that is out by the Black Eyed Peas "Shut Up"...he would have HATED that song. Death sucks. I miss him. But I want to know what I miss. I love him..and my heart hurts and someday as long as I ALLOW IT, it will stop hurting, and I may never fully recover, but the pain will subside and heal. Death cannot ever stop love, but time heals wounds--doesnt mean it won't leave a nasty scar,but it's closed. And if you cant be with the one you love...love the one you're with (Thank you Stephen Stills).

Somtimes the house is too quiet and I get frightened. Scared to be alone with the thoughts in my head. Wanting you yet pushing you away at the same time. Scared to lose you, scared to lose everything, but wanting to quit and take my ball and go home..I don't even have a home anymore. I feel banished. Don't know if I will ever be okay again..don't know the person I am becoming. Angry that I have to work on Thanksgiving--but not having any family to spend it with anyhow..Sad and self pity.

Slip quietly away, no one has to hear. Wanting to stop the dripping faucet, sounding like a faint heartbeat. Feeling fear strike me on the stairs-never coming back-he is never coming back again. Wanting to crawl into a fetal position and cry. Wanting all the truths to come out and maybe all this guilt will stop...if I tell about everything. Stop lying, be open, don't start and stop-speak it. Unpack the baggage, quit trying to control, lose it.
Cry, laugh, scream, lose control...
Sex propagates emotions, need sleep, scared to fall, watching the Earth swallow you up..if only it were that simple, but nothing is EVER simple. Grow Up....changes.